Trying to reduce your calorie intake by replacing sugar with cocaine

I like my ice like I like my dreams. Crushed.

I just want to lay in a pile of warm laundry and eat bread.

When I get drunk, fun shit happens

B🌚🌝TY

I like to smile at people who don't like me because I'm an asshole

The fault in her booty

I don't pretend to be something I'm not. I know I'm an asshole, and I own that shit like a motherfucker.

Dear sluts, This might come as a surprise to you, but your boobs go inside your shirt. Just kidding, show me your titties.

my dance style ranges from white dad at a barbecue to stripper whose rent is due tomorrow

i remember when eyebrows were made out of hair

Date someone who gives you the same feeling of when you see your food coming at a restaurant.

The only reason guys get fake tans is because there's no sunlight in the closet

I'm not a "casual" drinker, I'm a "drink to you're fucked up or don't drink at all" drinker

leaving the womb was a bad idea.

Sometimes i get distracted by my own cleavage like… nice…

I must be huntin’ treasure, ‘cause I’m diggin’ yer chest.

why the hell do we smile like wow im happy let me stretch my lips a bit

don't cry because it's over smile because she's not pregnant

I’m thankful for all the different ways I can eat potatoes