You ok hun? Jeremy Corbyn

Commuter: *sneezes* Every single person on the Tube:

Let's go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for this all to blow over. #coronovirusuk

Anyway, long story short, when you ask your boss if you can ‘work from home’, it helps if you don’t use air quotes.

I miss Brexit.

Not having to make conversation with your hairdresser. #PerksOfQuarantine

Ah, thunder, lightning and hail now. Just keeping an eye out for The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

My doctor told me to drink more vodka. Well, he said "less wine", but I'm pretty sure that's what he meant.

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE

*waits all week for the weekend* *does nothing on the weekend*

Sorry I ruined your life. I thought you were flirting with me.

Them: Pleasure to meet you. Me: Give it time.

Relationship status: I shout "PIZZA'S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.

Christmas is a time for family. As long as they give me presents.

Who wants to help me with my coffee enema? No weirdos.

"Nothing lasts forever" is hard to believe when someone's telling you about their wedding plans.

Did you know, if you hold a policeman's hat to your ear, you can hear him reading out your rights.

I'm Jewish, but not 'works on Christmas Day' Jewish.