So, I guess the government's latest advice is...spend your money in restaurants and simply throw the food away?

Playhouse Playmaker is a Writers Attachment Programme for playwrights at any stage of their career, led by award-winning playwright Clare Bayley. Applications are now open. Closing date for applications is Mon 31 Aug 2020 at midnight. tinyurl.com/y6mnnguo

Breakdown of this week’s government advice for Manchester: DO ✅ SAVE THE ECONOMY BY GOING TO NANDOS, MCDONALDS AND WETHERSPOONS. DON’T ❌ LET YOUR MUM IN YOUR HOUSE. COVID ONLY SPREADS IN PRIVATE PROPERTIES. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. DO ✅ LOSE SOME WEIGHT YOU ENORMOUS FAT PIG.

Why dont trees go to the gym? They're already beech-body ready. #BadJokeFriday

REMINDER! OP & TORCH Oxford are inviting artists & freelancers to create a piece of work for the OP at Home Autumn Season. This Open Call is for up to £2000, for South East based theatre or live art-makers. Deadline Mon 24 Aug 2020. More info: tinyurl.com/y264d75b

How to improve children's reeding and righting: stick them in an upturned canoe with an oboe. #BadJokeFriday

Apparently pirate ships are big hotspots for COVID due to the large Argh numbers. #BadJokeFriday

Apparently Pixar are working on a series of films based on Greek myths but mixing them up with well known characters. First up: Troy Story #BadJokeFriday

How does Hannibal Lecter light his cell? With a lamb-p. #BadJokeFriday

Idea: a range of scented candles that smell like herbs. Name: Can-dill #BadJokeFriday

I work in Manchester. My office job pays me £22,000 a year and can be done from home. The government want me to now spend £250 a month on trains and give up 40 hours a month in travel to buy a £6 sandwich from Pret everyday with whatever’s left of my disposal income. Hmm.

I've often thought this about 80s Alternative Comedians. Stewart Lee has a whole bit about how pre alt-comedy gags were shared amongst acts and none wrote/owned their own material. So while alt-coms content was v left, their ideas about IP rights/ownership maybe not so...

It's well known that Hell has the best tunes. But their orchestra is a bit short on instruments. So they're running a crowdfunded time get some timpani for the devil. #BadJokeFriday

Where do insects listen to music? On Spoti-fly. #BadJokeFriday

If Mr Tate and Mr Lyle had ever been knighted, do you think they'd have eschewed the usual medal and insisted upon receiving a set of golden stirrups? #BadJokeFriday

#PresidentialDebate2020 youtu.be/dxpPDySl6qM

Visit the Yorkshire countryside: there's always moor to see. #BadJokeFriday

This year, dont travel abroad, travel a broad #VisitNorfolk #BadJokeFriday

Visit the Cambridgeshire fens: marsh more interesting than you think. #BadJokeFriday