im a bitch / im a lover im hulk hogan / hey there brother

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

In England Bigfoot is called Bigmeter

This is the most Canadian way to lose and open. No, you are Canadian, you deserve to win. #RBCCanadianOpen

A human life starts at inception.

I cannot believe Bob Barker lived as close to 100 as possible without going over.

Stop, drop and eat cinnamon rolls

Rules to survive in New York: • Never stop moving. If you're stationary you're an easier target • Don't look at anyone • If someone talks to you, do not respond • Keep your wallet and purse in front of you at all times • Keep all bags tight against your body bouncing slows

I bet I would be so good at hibernating

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Before Thanksgiving I like to rub my eye really red so my family thinks I have pinkeye and I can have my dinner out in the garage.

More stress, less life.

In “becoming my father” news: I’m up on a Saturday morning baking brownies and listening to Warren Zevon.

And the crowd goes mild.

Caitlin Clark is a needle mover! #godmode #iowa #teameffort #godmode

The next great American novel is just a couple trying to save enough money to buy a home and never being able to do so. #america

Absolute power corrupts absolvfefe.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair