Thinking about the exciting new experiences Starbucks Odyssey has planned for April 2024

Shams right now

Got invited to my kid’s classmate’s Halloween party. I’m going as a mime so I don’t have to talk to any of the other parents.

Just woke up and I’m ready to get out and vote today

Something we all knew but is worth being reminded of: You do not hold any property interest in your social media accounts.

To be fair he was just an EPA agent doing his job. The Ghostbusters were operating an unpermitted machine that ran on nuclear (!!) energy in their basement. When Peck asked questions they told him to F off. He then went through proper legal procedures to shut their system down

The even crazier thing about this game was that he got outplayed by Antawn Jamison and the Lakers lost

The advertisement algorithm is on point today

Top 11 Christmas Movies Ranked: 1) Cobra 2) Silent Night Deadly Night (84) 3) Lethal Weapon 4) First Blood 5) Batman Returns 6) Home Alone 7) Scrooged 8) Die Hard 2 9) Gremlins 10) Rocky 5 11) Die Hard

Trying to plan my kid’s birthday party and I wish it was possible to just rent out a Starbucks or @costco food court for a few hours since those are the only places she wants to spend time at

To save money I cancelled all of my streaming services and subscribed to cable

For those of you going to church today for Easter: Instead of saying “Peace be With You” just say “PBWY.” It’s cooler and takes less time to say. You’ll be able to greet at least two or three more people while being memorable.

Someone should make a coffee table book of high quality photos of fan reactions in away arenas after Steph curry makes a crazy shot

Steph Curry had to win four championships before he got credit for winning any championship

Thinking of writing a show like The Pitt except it’s a five episode/hours series about my wife and me putting our kids to sleep after they went to two birthday parties on a Saturday and haven’t come down from their sugar rushes

Lakers, Warriors, and Clippers fans hate watching each-others teams in these playoffs

A better version of this joke: Five minutes into watching Les Miserables with POTUS at the Kennedy Center Me to Usha: so… when do they put on the cat costumes? Usha: [laughs hysterically]

Consumer attorneys are awful. The modern day ambulance chasers. They care more about attorneys fees than their clients. Of course there are some good ones, but, the FDCPA is the classic example of a law with good intentions that ended up causing as many problems as it solved.

The funny thing about this is Costco isn’t even knocking off lululemon, they’re knocking off Vuori

People will say “unpopular opinion…” and then give the most popular opinion ever