WTF

went to therapy for the first time and cracked a joke and my therapist just started writing faster what the hell was that

Me looking for my friends when the bars close at 2am twitter.com/Skeeter696969/…

I’m a Renaissance noble lady and I’m pissed the nurse hasn’t taken the children out of my sight. What do I barely pay her for anyways?

Sesame Street did not adequately prepare me for what the streets of New York were really like.

Fight Club, but it’s just me and my pocket on a door handle.

My wife said there’s a lack of passion in our relationship but I don’t think that’s true because she was screaming pretty loud when she said it.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like 'why is there a rock in the refrigerator?'

My 7yo wanted us to play hotel with her so we started pretending to call the front desk with a million different requests at the same time until she got so stressed out she didn’t want to play anymore.

I never cavort, but I did frolic pretty hard one night in 2006.

Sometimes 6 seems so grown up... other times she cries for 45 minutes because my wife made lasagna.

You know you've reached another level of being an introvert when you don't know your neighbor's name but your Amazon delivery guy is Kevin.

No Republicans voted for Biden’s rescue package because hey, people might waste it on food, rent, staying alive, or something dumb like that

I’m in a complicated love triangle with whiskey and my bank account

The opening credits to my new TV show

Omg you’re 53? You don’t look a day over 35 filters

After a few glasses of wine I realise that I'm so charming I should be charming even louder

James Corden acts gay for two hours and gets a Golden Globe nomination, I act straight for 23 years and all I get is trauma

Fed up with your girlfriend stealing your clothing? Marry her. I’m in my ninth year of knowing exactly where all my hoodies are.

got some new coffee that i'm not familiar with so for now it's a cup of joseph