My favorite thing about this text is that it implies that the delivery driver just threw my food in the general direction of my house full throttle

THE “first to get throttled by a no-name school” University

(Stomach full of acorns and bark) Yeah the woods are a great place. There's basically anything you could want in there

Mini M&M’s

𝗧𝗲𝗵 𝗕𝗲𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗞𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗿💋 added you to list 𝗣𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗪𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗛𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝗢𝘂𝘁𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗼𝗳

still cannot believe Tony Stark said this after suiting up

re: Afghanistan - I agree with everyone who is right about it and disagree with those who are wrong. It’s just how I feel

Just wanna let you guys know that after 2 years straight of hiding inside my house i finally finished youtube! I watched the whole thing & i gotta say that i think the whole thing went downhill after the Gangnam Style part

Setting my toaster to 10 and just letting whatever happens happen

{from the other side of the street} Yoooo! yoooo! My man! My man! Check this shit out!!! {I take a big shell out of my pocket and blow into it and a huge deer runs up and stabs me with it’s antlers}

Every time an NFL kicker misses a field goal I go out to my balcony and throw a rock as hard as I can towards the park full of people down the street. It’s not a problem as of now I’m not even getting close. But I am throwing it a lot farther than I was a few months ago

The worst part about not wearing a mask is having to actually smile at people instead of just squinting your eyes

Hey, remember when we had to sell like 10,000 magazines and in return they’d give us a slingshot monkey

you hear a lot about how lottery winners end up miserable. the money ruins their life and relationships etc. well that wouldn’t happen to me

Red Robin french fries are objectively better than every other french fry

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When authority is total, so too is the madness of the man who declares it, and the potential for abuse of power.