When my wife asks me “Do you know what tomorrow is?”

New arrivals at dadwilder.com

New fall gear is out, check it out at dadwilder.com

Hug your children.

If you’re over 30 don’t expect anything more than a birthday gif in the group chat.

You can’t become one of those in your 40s fitness success stories if you’re in shape in your 30s, crack yourself another beer.

Don’t know why, but the little water on top of the yogurt when you open it disgusts me. Where’d you come from you little shot of yogurt water, I don’t trust you.

*Kids at any public event*

I need to sprint.

There are two types of people in this world: the person that changes the smoke detector battery at 2 AM or the psychopath that lives with the constant beeping.

For the love of god, someone please get Cris Collinsworth a throat lozenge.

Nothing better than a Sunday full of grilled meats, beer, and a phone full of football notifications.

Being a baby, what a life. People are literally cheering for you to eat, sleep, and poop.

Brunch is a wild concept. There’s a table full of old people straight from church, a little family with their baby in a high chair, and then a group of 24 year old women pounding mimosas with a sash on all just coexisting.

Did you ever throw a party in high school and get caught because you either cleaned the house too good or missed a stray bottle cap under the couch?

Fellas if you never had to do one of these tasks again with zero negative consequences what would you choose?

Brush your teeth
Shave
Shower
Get a haircut

Everything bagels.
Tastes like a regular bagel, but gives you an extra chore of cleaning your entire kitchen once you eat it.

What does zero numbers pay out on the Mega Millions?

If you have to make a “wishlist” hoping people will buy you things so you can do your job, your job isn’t paying you what you’re worth.

Effective immediately: I have too many realtors on my timeline and will need to have you all battle royale for a spot on my friends list.

Did you see the amazing eclipse?!

The amazing eclipse: