With the Holidays coming up, I’d like to weigh in on this #DieHard debate. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and yes, I do think it’s a Thanksgiving movie

I’m old enough to have this recommended by a Doc, but immature enough to think this was pronounced “Cock 10.”

If “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” I’m surprised the medical industrial complex hasn’t come out with some sort of smear campaign against Apple Growers yet.

Picked a rough time of the year to give up egg nog.

Everyone always talks about #BlackFriday and #CyberMonday, but no one ever mentions #RegretWednesday…the day all of your purchases are delivered and you realize how much you spent.

Ahh Christmas…the one time per year you can lie to your spouse about your online purchases.

Sometimes, when lighting my scented candles, I let it burn down past 1/4” of wax left. That’s right ladies…I’m a #badboy.

I got to be on PictionaryOnTV with Jerry O'Connell !!! Thanks for having me!

If you are only as old as you feel, I’m “Just pulled an ab muscle slicing hard cheeses” old.

I don’t see what all the fuss with this #eclipse is about. I’ve been staring at the sun for hours now and I don’t see anything!

Just did my laundry and my wife’s laundry, then I cleaned the kitchen. Somewhere #HarrisonButker is shaking his head SO HARD.

*me right before a fight* “First of all, sir, my mouth cant actually write checks. Not legibly anyway. That being the case, how would my butt be able to cash a check? And why am I writing a check to you, but cashing it with my bu-“ *gets punched*

This beer says it was ‘Brewed for Good Times.’ My mistake. I meant to buy the one brewed for depression.

So…nobody told me about the #SpaceX launch and for a second I thought we had an Independence Day situation on our hands. #falcon9 #starlink #rocketlaunch #spaceXrocketlaunch

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!! 🇲🇽✡️

This potato salad expires today, but I’m going to eat it anyway. That’s right ladies, I’m a #badboy

Anybody who wants to follow me can migrate over to BlueSky or Threads. See you chumps there!

#NoKingsProtest #MeanGirls

Potato chips were invented out of spite. Finally an origin story I can relate to.

I’ll never get the advice my father gave me on my wedding day. He said “Keep it 100 on the land, the sea, the sky.” It’s the best advice I ever got . #TheFateofOphelia #ophelia