According to my mom, the one serving of low sodium Spam I had this week is responsible for ALL MY pregnancy swelling. The Noom (diet app) made her believe she's a registered dietician. 🙄

I can't believe I waited so long to play Dying Light. Enjoying it quite a bit!

My mom needs staples.

Holding my brand new baby in one arm and petting my dying cat with my other is a recipe for extremely swollen eyelids.

Ugh, when you kill a spider but can't find the remains ☠

Dang, I'm getting old #MyTwitterAnniversary

The deer eat all the "deer-resistant" flowers I've tried planting in my front yard. I hope they shit themselves silly.

I opened Twitter because I had something good to tweet but got distracted.

Prime Day, July 12th-13th Crime Day, July 14-15th

All these years, I have been seeking the best Chai Tea Lattes in coffee shops without ever trying a London Fog Latte. I'm a tea connoisseur fraud.

Target's fridges are always full when I am finally ready to submit my online order 😔

Ah yes, never forget the people who think they are intellectually superior because they didn't like the movie Office Space. 🖨️

🎶 I live in a land of deadbeats 🎶

Keep getting d/c from Diablo 4. Wish we could play offline. #Diablo4

I forgot how magical newborn snuggles are and how quickly they escape us.

#KateGate lured me back to Twitter.

After decades of practicing this social behavior, I am still awkward with hugging new friends.

My almost six month old baby has entered the screaming banshee phase. Unless I am in the room, I'm unsure if she is happy, sad, scared, or a piglet off to slauggter.