Me: [with cigar between my teeth] I love tits and boobs

this is so true

The girl you just called fat? She just ate a hamburger. The boy you called stupid? He just ate his homework and two rocks.

*Does a kickflip with my fingerboard* *turns to camera* Yes, I've fingered many gir *runs after the board which is on its way down the road*

[In bed with wife during Earth Hour] Me: It will be nice having sex with the lights off for once

April fools prank: unplug your dick and throw it in a river or something. It will never bother you again.

[Watching Fast 7] Me: RIP Paul Walker... RIP PAUL WALKER... *leans towards stranger next to me* he's dead now, but he's alive in the movie

[Date] Me: So... How many cars have you seen today?

I'm having trouble deciding if I'm going to tell my girlfriend that I love her 'Ultramuch', 'Supermuch' or 'Megamuch'

[In bed] Her: Fist me? Me: Ok *clenches fist and does 5 fist bump explosions against her pussy while making sound effects* Me: Sry old habit

life is all about taking easy choices and getting something good in your dick

*Sees a guy with his hand stuck in a vending machine* Me: So, when’s the wedding?

[Walking with girlfriend in hotel hallway] Me: *seeing a sock on a doorknob* I wish I was a bird so I could sit on that soft doorknob

[Watching Fast 7] Me: RIP Paul Walker! Paul Walker died for our sins! *turns to the rest of the audience* Me: Be grateful partypeeps

Its no matter who you are or who you been but its where you will belong in the future,and you will alway be the right man for the job

*Throws frisbee into a bar* *10 minutes later a girl walks out with the frisbee in her hand* Her-You summoned me master Me-We shall fuck

this is going to take an incredibly long time , but it's worth it

Friday is my second favorite f-word. My favorite f-word is the legendary word of fweekend

The positive thing about having a dog in wintertime is that it's much easier to pick up the pee because you can make a pee-pee snowball

*Feeling the material of a girls dress* Me-100%cotton? CottonEyeJoe(from the other side of the bar)-98%cotton,2% polyester *she goes to him*