I like my women like I like my emails, no attachments…

It’s like 10,000 yawns when all you need is a nap.

The whitest thing I’ve ever done is buy salsa from CVS.

I'm the total package, if the package fell off a delivery van and immediately got run over by a bus.

I hate when people say it's a quarter till 9pm. Just say it's 8:75

A mouthguard that keeps you from saying stupid shit

Anxiety puts the ugh in thoughts

When I was a kid, we didn’t have “influencers." We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a grouch that lived in a trashcan. It was a simpler time.

me: it’s so hard to make friends now that im older also me: never leaves my house, wont make eye contact with others, hates everyone i meet

I've spent the last 14 years of my life here on Twitter. Other people used that time to become doctors or lawyers or senators. It just goes to show that not everyone can tweet.

Her: We need a three-way... Me: How about your manicurist, Evonne? Her: ...light bulb in the living room lamp. Me: Her:

“Still gangsta” I think to myself listening to X Gonna Give It To Ya while renewing my library card

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

Hey babe, are you adobe acrobat because you are not responding

I’d rather be the third wheel of a new couple who just started having sex than two Swifties trying to figure out the hidden meanings of Taylor Swift’s track list

Jesus, would you look at that knife?

my son said he has a hard time falling asleep because his brain keeps sending him notifications, and that’s the best description ive ever heard

Trust me, you want me to drunk text. It’s the hangry text you don’t want

I've never heard a meow I disagreed with

Sure, you guys are against self driving cars but what about self driving clown cars?