Pitch to The Onion- "Server Forced To Stand and Wait While Parent Teaches Kid To 'say thank you to the nice lady'

Hey Tim Hortons, newsflash, this "double toasted" thing you like to do ? It just means actually toasted. * Ya Tim Hortons you just got roasted. Or should I say "toasted" ? Oh no wait, I shouldn't cause you don't fucking know what that means.

If procrastination was a sport at the X-Games I would be grinding soooooo many rails and carving the biggggggest vert ramps, Tony Hawk-styles, and you’d all be like “wow that’s cool as hell...” 🛹🏂🏄‍♂️