After work tonight I was so tired I thought about eating at Subway

Do mail men refer to themselves as ‘the feds’?

Can we get standup comedy in the 2020 Olympics? It’d be cool if you could get a gold medal without being totally jacked.

All this time we’ve been blaming ourselves for not eating more vegetables, but maybe it’s vegetable’s fault for not tasting better

Savory candy?

So why can’t kids drink? What’s the worst that could happen? Get a DUI? No car! Get fired? No job! The stakes are so low....just let them party.

If all cavemen has paleo diets I guess that 50,000 years ago everyone was totally shredded.

Dane Dehaan looks like the worlds oldest teenager

Shaq really can’t get away with anything. If he tried shoplifting everyone would be like ‘hey look that guy taking those batteries is Shaq!’

Jay-Z is cool, but he’s not as cool as that Dyson vacuum guy. He was like ‘those vacuums y’all are using are bullshit, I’m gonna make one that’s dope AF and make a billion dollars and the Queen will Knight me, PEACE OUT!!’

I stepped outside today and man the resolution out here is great- it’s gotta be at least 4K!

Those girls that wave the flags at drag races—how exactly do they get that job? LinkedIn?

Don’t let yourself go during quarantine because ghosts are still around to see what you look like

I bet sometimes The Queen really wants some chicken tenders, but she can’t ask for them because she’s The Queen...THAT’S a true prison.

If Bigfoot kills someone can he be tried for murder? We should figure this out now just to be safe.

What do you guys think Billy Zane is doing RIGHT NOW?

Sorry Armando Iannucci you never wrote anything on Veep as funny as this

RIP Eddie Van Halen. Your final accomplishment was forcing journalists around the world to use the phrase ‘hot for teacher’ in your obituary.

If you took every episode of The Watch with Andy Greenwald and Chris Ryan and condensed it into 3 minutes you would get this: youtu.be/jpJCikaDCiE

If there are horse cops is there horse internal affairs? Because I would definitely watch that show.