“Not to brag, but it only took me a week to return to my pre-baby weight!” - me, after having a miscarriage

Normalize using diaper rash cream on your chafed thighs

Me: I love you 3: I don’t love you and in 2 weeks I’m not going to allow you in this house Me: 😳

Normalize buying maternity sweats when you’re not pregnant

Husband: *pours himself a glass of wine without offering me one* Me: You could have just said you want a divorce

Friend: *has a baby* Other friends: omg so beautiful 🥹 Me: isn’t it weird you had that whole-ass baby inside you a few hours ago

69 but it’s just me and my husband massaging each other’s feet at the same time

Drive your husband crazy by sending him videos of you shaking your presents when they get delivered

4: *finally playing alone* Me: *sits* 4: …I have to poop 😃

Me: *spends all day taking daughter to activities and meeting her every need* Daughter: *lays in bed singing a song about how much she loves Dad*

Me: proud of myself for remembering to preheat the pan Also me: had the wrong burner on the whole time

Me: *deep in the throes of second trimester heartburn* Also me: *craves jalapeños*

Important question: if the bottle brush sprays me with hot soapy water when I pull it out of the bottle does that count as a shower?

Them: *aggressively sniffs newborn* I just LOVE this smell! Me: he literally came out of my vag and hasn’t had a bath yet

It’s my baby’s first Halloween and I’m going as a zombie Best part is I don’t need a costume

I’m really glad I lost 15 pounds so I can wear the new “in” style of jeans and look like I put them right back on

Me: I have a newborn so I’m going to keep Thanksgiving really low key this year Also me: *makes the exact same dinner as every year because I couldn’t possibly leave out a dish*

Shout out to all the moms working extra hard on Saturday so you can relax on Sunday

If you want to know what it’s like having a second child my postpartum hair loss is growing in grey.