Even better, had to be there at 6am. #JustBanquetThings #BanquetServer

Get positive comments on my serving. #IOnlyDoThisOnceAYear

#ImNotAntiSocialImJust anti leaving my house.

Alexa, what's love got to do with a little menage? #StupidQuestionsForAlexa

#ChangeThingsUpBy licking a stranger's face.

#DontYouWishYour server was hot like me?

Chant "trial by combat." #WaysToGetOutOfJuryDuty

The Weasly twins decided to peace out #Trumps1stYearAtHogwarts

Ruiner of holidays, server of banquets, writer of fiction, also love brit comedy & GOT, father of one, and working on making crazy lizard guy the male equivalent of crazy cat lady. x.com/artisticandrew…

The way companies cut employee benefits but still pay top dollar to the execs. #IThink_____IsDisgusting

#PenguinAwarenessDay / Batman. #WhenIHear_IThinkOf_

#ItMakesMeAnxiousWhen I have to pretend to like people.

Just go to your beach house for a week. #SurvivalTipsFromRichPeople

#IStillHaventFound the giveafucks I dropped in the parking lot on the way in.

You want another beer? #ThingsIAlwaysSayYesTo

We have to be like the geese. In that story. I printed it out, but I forgot to bring it. Something about the way the fly. I don't know. But it really summed up what we need from you. #LeastInspirationalQuote #QuotesFromMyManager

The rum is always gone. #ThingsILearnedFromTheMovies

When I ask how a table is doing and they start to tell me about how bad their experience has been. #BadTimesToWalkAway

My #VacationWasRuinedWhen I couldn't afford to go in the first place.

Anyone else set their clocks back last night and show up 2 hours late for work? #DaylightSavingTime