Turns out being young and out of touch was really good practice for being old and out of touch

Not only does the camera not love me, it has a restraining order against me

I will never trust someone who works out in jeans.

Liars gonna lie. Layers gonna lay

I could have sworn I heard my cat giggle as I tripped over him for the 100th time.

I’ve already threatened to Donkey Punch Mother Theresa if you need an indicator of how the morning is starting

Every now and then, I get a little bit hungry And there’s no food I want

You say unhinged rant like it's a bad thing

I've never heard a meow I disagreed with

Engineer- Did you make sure to use lube to check if the thing fit? Me- That’s what she said (Proceeds to laugh until I cry) Engineer- What’s so funny?

I didn’t have radioactive shrimp on my 2025 Bingo Card, yet here we are.

Looking for the cutest cats in the shelter, the coolest people on Hinge, the nicest dresses on ThredUp. Only the best of the worst for me.

Maybe someday I will be mature, but definitely not today

I once came across a guy whose bio said, "I'm sophisticated. I hold my fork in my left hand" and I think about that a lot because like... so do lefties.

Be advised it's tempestuous out

I forgot the name of KY jelly and I called it Kentucky Jam

[takes a pic of my bhole] *adds “artist” to resume*

Hell, this ain't my first apocalypse

Found out I have my first arch nemesis at work. I’ve never been this excited to go back to work ever

You guys have any idea how bad I would have had the hots for Mae West if I was around in her prime?