I know everyone has different strengths, I just wish mine wasn’t being the absolute best at losing the thing I JUST had in my hand.

It is both scary and impressive how many gummy bears I can eat and not be sick.

My cup runneth over. I mean, it’s filled with apathy and a strong desire to quit my job, but it runneth overeth.

Tried to account for one extra person at dinner and accidentally made enough spaghetti for Jesus and all his disciples.

Look, it’s not a big deal but sometimes I put on a shirt and the fabric is just way too fabric-y, so I have to take it off immediately.

For anyone else forced into vehicles with leather seats, we are starting a group if you’re interested. Working name: Who-needs-skin-on-the-back-of-your-legs-anyway

Sometimes I just want to take a trip to a quaint, Hallmark channel-y town with my best friend, grab a coffee from the kitschy cafe owned by Shelby Lou’s Aunt Darcy, and window shop on Main street until the Mayor calls me up to help save the town, ya know?

My husband calls white noise “serial killer music” — can you imagine Ted Bundy blaring “gentle waterfall” as he speeds down the highway

I take a lot of screenshots for someone who never goes back to reference screenshots.

When that first cool day after summer hits, it’s like, “Welp, gonna quit my job and focus on making soup. Lemme get 15 candles and 23 cozy sweaters. See y’all on the other side of Christmas.”

In lieu of “You suck at your job.” Try, “I am chronically underwhelmed by your effectiveness.”

Some people have a mind like a steel trap—mine is more like a sanctuary for feral squirrels.

Remember back in the day when people would post a line of lyrics when they’d had a day? Pretty sure I’d need a whole song if we still did that.

People with long hair, you know when you’re cleaning the bathroom vanity and your hair gets caught on the cleaning cloth? Does that also make you want to throw the whole bathroom in the trash?

Alone in the woods with no cell service. A bird flies over head and drops a small, folded piece of paper… “Hi. I hope this message finds you well. I’m Bob Smith and I’m running for County Treasurer…”

We all work with one person who is the human equivalent of getting your pocket stuck on a door knob.

Ok, but if we start tight-rolling our jeans again, I’m out.

People are really ruining the human experience for me.

What’s it called when you need some things done a very specific way, but the rest of the time you are an untethered, tardy, chaos goblin? I have that.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, "I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"