Wish me luck! Using dipping sauce with my nuggets on my commute to work today for the first time

With no breakfast and 2 cups of coffee, anything is possible

One day you are gonna look back and realize you spent too much time wearing your work clothes at home

I really thought I wasted my time as a teenager playing guitar hero until I started learning piano and all the lesson videos look like this

*accidentay stops scrolling on a video about murder for 5 seconds* Facebook: HERE ARE ALL THE ADS WE HAVE FOR MURDER EQUIPMENT AND ACCESSORIES

If you are someone who just lets their dog come barreling out of the elevator as soon as the doors open, could you just not

Office parking lots really go from “morning time” to “middle of the day” right at 9:31

Yo can I get a credit card that gives me points on car repairs

Man the last day I touched a 3-hole punch binder was last day of high school

CDC says, “tig ol’ bitties”

My New Years resolution is to click unsubscribe on all spam sent to my inbox

The silver lining of the pandemic is that now fist bumps are a professional greeting

I go into Costco without a cart so I don’t hurt myself with the price tag at the end

You know when the store’s receipt printer goes “ohhhh ooohh aahhh eeehhh eehhh ahhhhh oohhh” that it’s gonna hit so good

Guys I swear, eating ice cream out of the container with chopsticks slaps the best

Humans be like: I’d like to submerge myself in a liquid more dense than what I breathe for entertainment

Hot take: the guy who won the money in squid game should have used the money to set up social programs like universal basic income, gambling addiction centers, etc so that no one else would feel the need to participate in future games

I haven’t deleted any contacts since I got my first phone in 6th grade and I’ll be damned if I ever do

Just realized you can season your ice cream in the container

I don’t understand why urinal separation walls are not higher. Like if they were just raised 1.5 feet, guys wouldn’t have to avoid looking around while peeing. Instead, we choose to keep our society primitive.