If ever you are hard up for cash, might I suggest you check the hidden requests in your dms? There will always be at least one little daddy in there wanting to pay you for his sugars!

Oh it’s perfectly acceptable to order “Tater Tots” but I’m embarrassing my friends in public when I order a side of “Mashed taters”

We’re having to console my crying 29 year old friend bc she just found out about inverted nipples.

Belt loops are just a formality on fat people’s pants

I have two demons inside of me. One wants to be a gorgeous, cutie, dainty, little lady. The other wants to be a chunky, cozy, full piggy. And they battle each other constantly.

On Friday I gather all 73 cups that have collected on my desk and I take them to the kitchen to signify the end of my work week.

It is less embarrassing to shit your pants in public than to let a single human know you used shazam to figure out what a song is.

Some of y’all are parallel parking with the music turned up and it shows

“When I die put my money in the grave” drake referring to his millions, me referring to the pint glass of coins I’ve been collecting for years. (mostly pennies bc I steal the quarters from myself in cases of emergencies)

“Are you hungry or are you bored?” Being hungry is extremely boring, I couldn’t possibly be expected to differentiate.

I’m sorry but there aren’t enough hours in the day for my “daily average screen time” notification to be correct.

Delta airlines and 5 year old me are the exact same. They will turn off your entire movie, screen and all, to make sure you are paying attention to them when they talk.

If you don’t have at least one fat friend in the group I just don’t trust you

It’s all fun and games until your foot goes thru the attic floor

What he said but a little louder

What the illness called where you need to buy a little something everywhere you go? I have that one

COMING SOON TO THE ELYSIAN THEATER… 🔥SURVIVOR: ISLAND OF IDIOTS🔥 Tickets are available on the Elysian Theater’s website (link in bio!)

Something about me is when you cross into best friend territory I WILL need to periodically check in to make sure ur alive. The anxiety that u might not be can strike me at anytime and for absolutely no logical reason. U also need to pretend it’s cool and normal for me to check.