Don't you DARE compare Punch to Moo Deng. Punch came from the MUD. He was ABANDONED, and all the other monkeys HATE him. Moo Deng was a fat pampered slob. Don't ever compare my GOAT to that fat little bitch.

There may have been a few miscalculations on The Lobster’s part.

described a feeling i was having the other day in therapy because apparently i’m not so good at that and i said “imagine you’re like, 7 and your parent didn’t pick you up from school. and they never do. nobody remembers you’re there. that feeling, 24/7”

for years now ive been itching to use "touche" in a conversation but i am yet to encounter a person who can make a better point than me

gonna start saying not all men when someone says something positive about a man

The navy should actively recruit people who cannot swim because they will be much more dedicated to defending a ship

times i’m glad i’m not 17 anymore because this would’ve killed me

Dead wife flashback but to an amazing sandwich that can't be forgotten

writing an e-mail and getting a prompt from AI "this sentence could be more concise" no. i am verbose. i am loquacious. i am long-winded and often redundant even. you machine, do not tell me how to form my words

“the pope is weak on crime” is a top-5 funniest thing any politician has said ever in history

I don’t particularly like Dakota Johnson, but she did put genuine fear in Ellen Degeneres’ eyes, so I have to respect that

prime example of a criminal who didnt do their due diligence. Dylan been showing signs that he’s willing to die bout his girl for YEARS. he’s lucky he didn’t off him.

open the gun ranges, open the shooting galleries, america's children can't shoot for shit

Hearing erika kirk say 'I just want to go home' doesn't move me because those were likely the last words of hundreds of school children who never made it home because unlike her they didn't have a security detail.

That dude who hit Bush with a shoe was a far more competent assassin

they can't put rue in prison her dyke ass would recreate orange is the new black

her biggest enemy being behind her…

i really do say thank you every time i'm passed the joint #whitegirl

Negotiations must be going horrifically if they’re calling me

he would’ve fought the hantavirus himself if it was on his ship