was feeling sad about michelle williams being in the shadow of beyonce and kelly so checked in on her net worth and i was like, $10 mil! yes girl! and then i realized the main pic isn't even of her and then i was back to where i started :(

Can’t wait to someday be hit with an ad for the revolutionary, direct-to-consumer casket. (Available in charcoal, alpine white or blush.)

This woman is going to Congress inthesetimes.com/article/21236/…

Shazam but for smells so I can figure out what the hell those vaguely sweet, bathroom-y air fresheners are in cabs so I can destroy them all

at first i rolled my eyes at the concept of The Sexy Baby, but now I am an disciple

what did i do to deserve these targeted ads

nice

Me: *throws you down a pit* You: my leg's broken Me: I'm sure you have proof. I'll wait You: YOU THREW ME DOWN A PIT Me: so sick of people always bringing up pits You: YOU THREW ME DOWN ONE Me: wow victim card much You: A PIT Me: that talk's exactly why you got thrown down a pit

Sometimes I sit on my hand until it goes numb so it feels like someone else is voting a second time

I Need To Shoot My Phone

just found out rick perry is the designated survivor for tonight's state of the union which only confirms my visual of the trump administration as a matryoshka doll full of tinier and tinier idiots.

Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

A Fever You Can't Sweat Out (2019)

me after clients don't want to buy my brilliant advertising work

do you like the table setting, will graham? just as the romans burned marbled tallow to evoke the scent of roasting flesh and the bitter tang of ferrous blood to praise their god of war so too have I lit the mcdonalds beef scented candle

[plays minor key version of “high hopes”]

we're a frozen meat brand posting ads inevitably made to misdirect people and generate sales, so this is peak irony, but hey we live in a society so please make informed decisions to the best of your ability and don't let anecdotes dictate your worldview ok steak-umm bless

Who Wants to Be a Midwesterner? Farmer Feud Iowan Squares Deal (on Corn) or No Deal (on Corn) Silo Sweep The Price Is Right

We had so much fun making this. Everything you can imagine from casting and shooting: yes.