if your friends don't ruthlessly make fun of you when you do/say something stupid, are they really even your friends?

thanks to these wild ass summer storms, an unhinged traffic light falling on my car is my newest irrational fear. #moveoverclowns

if you haven't accidentally walked around for half a day with your fly unzipped, have you even truly lived?

should i have a yard sale? y or n

california update #1: i am wearing sweater in july.

california update #2: booked a haircut at a nearby barbershop. turns out the barber also cuts steph curry's hair.

a thing I googled today: how to drink a beer while lying down. #humpday

i think it's time to start writing my rasputin hip-hopera. move over hamilton.

I couldn’t care less about pineapple on pizza. Barbecue sauce, on the other hand, is criminal.

sure, there are a lot of great things about california, but the $9.04 power bill i just received might take the cake.

✔️ just don’t.

yeah, parenthood sounds incredible. but the inevitability of having to help my offspring with their math homework makes the prospect kind of terrifying.

This just in! We've been ranked # 47on the Forbes @Cloud100! See what Forbes had to say about us in this exclusive: forbes.com/sites/rashishr….

Let's keep the party going after the #Cloud100 Summit! Join our CEO, @Edith_H now on @TwitterSpaces for an Ask-me-Anything conversation about her vision for the future of developer software. Have a question? Ask us in the comments! ⬇️

how many times can a person listen to prince's original version of "nothing compares 2 u" before it becomes cause for concern? just, you know, wondering.

to be or not to be... concerned for all those cars in the Krystal drive-thru at 8:45 this morning.

84 degrees is not spring. it is first summer.

me: i think it's allergies me: maybe it's my sinuses webmd: shut up and welcome death's embrace

i'm not one for setting goals, but: if i live to 85, i will serenade my family with "back at one" by brian mcknight at every opportunity. a. to remind them how great 90s R&B was, and b. because they'll have no choice but to indulge me.