I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cos they didn't have to worry about ghosts

True love means never having to explain your tweets

Who's name did Jesus yell when he saw a spider?

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.

Kinda weird that you can't tickle yourself, but masturbation works. #justsaying

Quick q: which is the right religion?

I sure hope this guy who's coming over to buy my old sex swing off Gumtree isn't a weirdo

"You should tweet that" is the new fake laugh.

It must be bittersweet to be thin enough to see your ribs since they're horizontal stripes and therefore un-slimming.

We can say whatever we want about the Amish on here and they'll never know! I'll start: They're very good woodworkers.

None of the British Olympians know the lyrics to the National Anthem. #olympics #teamgb #neitherdoi

I envy the guy at Microsoft whose job it is to ignore all the Windows error reports we send in.

How did they not realise??? THIS IS WHY CHILDREN/TEENAGERS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO USE SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES #thegirlwhobecamethreeboys

He texted everything he said in person? Wake-the-fuck-up! #thegirlwhobecamethreeboys

How do we see the photos please? @MeredithBespoke :)

WHY WHY WHY has there been an alarm going off all night in Colliers Wood as loud as a public service announcement? Merton Council

It's that loud it sounds citywide!!!! Merton Council

In tears with service I'm receiving from O2, I've literally never been this frustrated in my life - no one is helping me