Dean Evans: “I promise not to go way too hard on the OST for the fucking Flintstones movie tie-in game, for no reason” Dean Evans, 3 drinks later:

Can’t believe I just realized my favorite game is Super Mario Sunshine because I have residual catholic guilt and feel like I constantly need to suffer and that game makes you do community service

a good sit #AnimalCrossing #ACNH #NintendoSwitch

Went upstairs 30 minutes ago to find headphones and came back with...coconut water and no headphones

Just realized that a lot of sports are about not getting penetrated

kirby always stays hydrated because he isnt stupid idiot

And as I drift off to sleep off to sleep off to sleep no I can’t have no socks on my feet on my feet

Pistachios have so much confidence they’re like “you will work for me”

I have to find these squirrels and teach them to use their skills for justice

I would watch sports if they included their personality quiz results in the stats

Thinking about the time I worked at an oncology clinic call center and I thought it would be a good idea to eat alprazolam but then I fell asleep while a coworker wouldn’t shut up about her baby

he he

Yeah I’m a SIMP S I Moon Pie

I’ve done the impossible and ripped the crotch of a pair of harem pants. My power knows no bounds.

Just ate my ritual birthday lasagna and it is over for you hoes

Just reached my daily Fitbit calorie goal while eating an air fried chocolate chip cookie with a dollop of ice cream on top

My fear of horses began when I was twelve years old ambling around Times Square and I made the mistake of walking past a mounted police officer. The horse peeled back its lips and grabbed me by the shirt like a tough guy

I just remembered that as a kid I got so mad at my best friend’s mom because she said my voicemail greeting was stupid and I’m just now remembering that I turned the vacuum on and spent a minute pretending I was getting sucked in and to please leave your name and number @ the bíp