when being a business man feels soulless I fondly recall the whimsical mergers and acquisitions of my youth as a business child

the most shameful state to be in is a tizzy

grounding my sons for repeatedly going goblin mode in the hopes that their protests will reveal the meaning of the phrase to me

Where do extremely online polyamorous people sleep? In a four poster bed. That's just a little joke.

the shoulder proportions of a bodybuilder are now achievable without drugs, overnight, with just one simple head reduction surgery

If you're a kid living in the timeline of a Christmas movie, and your dad is super hot, I'm sorry, but your mom is about to die

Probably the funniest brag in the history of hip hop was Eminem's claim that the intended target of the infamous 9/11 attacks was in fact Shady records

There is a long list of things I'd rather die than do, and that's not even necessarily a harsh condemnation of the things on that list.

Chaperoning a field trip and a kid just asked if I've ever heard one two buckle my shoe like that shit just dropped this week

You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and the most flies with a huge piece of shit so what are we even talking about

I'm not on here much, but if you have bluesky I'm posting like it's 2012 over there same user name

[listening to the bell toll] haha the bell is tolling for some loser, I wonder who

Nana be careful on those stairs you don't have enough followers for a gofundme

Sorry if you felt overwhelmed last night. When I said "drop by later, Lindas coming by" I meant every possible Linda, not just the one we both know

This cape is reversible but my decision to wear it to the custody hearing is not.