overall, she said i have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. leaning more towards the fearful and the avoidant traits only showing up when shit get too intense.

of course, i wasn’t born like this. childhood, early adulthood… unhealed wounds yk.. good news is, i can change. i am changing. but its hard. cs i dont want to be like this anymore. i dont want to ruin my chances at love. bc i love, love. i want to feel it.

im on this journey of finally becoming a man. a real man. a man that broke the curses and healed. healed everything. bc im tired of bleeding out on the personifications of love.

i used to use women, weed, and alcohol to numb me. but i can’t do that anymore. that’s not healing. that’s not what i want to do. i don’t want to run anymore. so i’ve been facing all this shit head on.. but damn.. it’s hard.. and i don’t think im strong enough.

i don’t want to heal out of spite or malice. i don’t want to be on some shit like “oh i gotta level up to make her regret…” nah, i can’t go out like that. in my mind, that’s not what a man does. i gotta do this for me. im doing this, the hard way, the long way, for me.

it’s like i see the version of myself im trying to get to.. the version of me that’s a real man. a healed man. but the journey.. the journey scares me. gives me real fear. i question myself daily. cs this shit hurts. physically. emotionally. spiritually.

i want to be soft. emotionally stable. calm. focused. disciplined. those feelings of love, self worth, attraction etc.. i want to give those to myself. not rely on someone else to give it to me cs that only causes problems.

im tired of being an unhealed child in an adult body. im done with that shit. it just sucks it took all this for me to realize that if i truly want happiness, love, peace.. i have to heal.. i can’t numb.

all of this turned me to God. i cant do anything w/o Him. i pray multiple times a day, go to the gym twice a day, go to therapy every week, journal every night. im doing all the right things but walking in your purpose doesn’t eliminate pain. and this pain… man.. man…

regardless, im facing it head on and i feel like ive been doing it the right way. no sex, no entertaining women to take my mind off shit. no smoking. no vaping. no drinking. just me and my emotions. me and my trauma. im in this war with my old self and i have to win. i will win.

everyday i feel like i can’t go on. it’s hard to eat. impossible to sleep. i cry multiple times a day. constant anxiety attacks. replaying the relationship seeing what i could’ve done differently. wishing i would’ve healed sooner.

im in charlotte by myself. isolated. but Life said its my time to change. it’s my time to heal. so God isolated me. and it’s the most painful thing i’ve experienced. everyday feels like Nov 21st. the pain doesn’t let up.

but this is my path rn. this is the journey i’m on. so i just take it day by day. it’s like im in this tunnel and i know what’s on the other side but rn i can’t see the light. it’s just cold, dark, and im alone. but i have to trust God and keep going forward. i have to.

so shit.. wish me luck.. idk how long itll take but ill check back in when ive done it.

overwhelmed.

sometimes i feel like im too broken for Gods love. i’ve sinned too much. i’ve lied too much. i’ve hurt others and myself too much. i’ve walked away from Him too much. why would He accept me.

i want to be happy so bad.

feelings ive been stacking like a bankroll

hard to just accept i was a stepping stone.

that’s a downgrade and you know it.