My comedy festival show is over. I don’t know what to do with myself now that I’m not checking my sales every 5 minutes and FB/Insta-stalking my audience.

Trying to fall asleep but Share House is stuck in my head on repeat. I don’t even live in a Share House. Thanks @jude_perl !

In my neighbourhood lockdown = yard work ... because when you’re anxious the best sound is a whipper snipper.

If I use the word cheugy does that mean I’m cheugy?

If hell exists, I’m 100% sure it will involve listening to my kids’ favourite YouTubers on max volume for eternity.

My favourite Olympic sport is checking out the guys in skin tight shorts/bodysuits. Are they to the left? The right? Tiny dick in the front? Penises are weird.

Bob got the kids LED strip lights for their rooms which is cool til you get to blue and it looks like nightclub toilet vibes.

Lockdown Look On The Bright Side Hey Mums, look on the bright side! You can use your calcified heels that desperately need a pedicure to loofah the rest of your body.

If you’re lonely, a hot water bottle on the small of your back feels like love.

That earthquake was like the time I lost my virginity - didn’t feel it.

Have you seen the new face-shaving trend? Amateurs. I’ve been doing that for years. #hirsute

Anything less than 20% off on Black Friday is insulting, am I right? Don’t even talk to me until at least 40%

My pet peeve is other patients in day oncology and their lengthy loud phone calls.

2022 is off to a devastating start as I realise I forgot to sell my turnips. #wildnye #AnimalCrossing

Looking back at my past earnest New Year’s posts and I vommed in my mouth a little bit.

Costco is like the Aldi middle aisle but exponentially bigger #aldi #costco #ilovecostco

So glad that instead of being awake because of his snoring, I’m now awake with hot smelly CPAP breath blowing in my face. #comedy #marriedlife #theicks

I’ve reached the age where I have stopped worrying about upsetting people on Facebook. Possibly anybody still using FB is that age, tbh.

Exhibit A. Pretty tame. I give it 1 out of 5 White Ladies.

Hot people have infiltrated stand-up comedy. I can’t pay attention to your jokes if I’m distracted by your abs.