I think Jazz is Classical music with spelling errors.

My superpower is my ability to feel no guilt. This might be the greatest superpower of all.

I'm not truly happy unless I'm in my pajamas.

My husband did cocaine on our wedding night. That was the first time I knew he did drugs. ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT!!! God I'm stupid.

When my wife goes out, I'll crank up some disco and let loose. I may be chubby and white and aging, but I've still got it. Oh yes I do!

I had a full conversation with my boss in the hallway just 30 seconds after ejaculating into her assistant's mouth in the computer room.

I usually have a bowl of cereal for dinner. Yup, being single is great. Except for the part where it sucks.

Every time my wife is mean to me, I email an ex-girlfriend.

In a pinch during large family gatherings, I have used my dog's ceramic bowls as serving platters.

Whenever someone from a personal ad mentions their weight, I consider it to be their e-weight. For their real weight, I add 20 pounds.

After watching CSI, I threw out a perfectly good, hardly used roll of duct tape.

I want to install nanny cams all over the house ~ not to catch the nanny ~ but to catch my wife hitting the kids after the nanny leaves.

Wait long enough and the Check Engine light goes off by itself. Took about a year. Guess the problem fixed itself. Or the bulb burned out.

I got married on a Thursday because it was cheaper.

Honestly, I'm surprised my clit hasn't rubbed off by now.

Thanks for all the sexy lingerie gifts. They came in real handy with my next boyfriend.

I water my houseplants on rainy days so they don't feel so bad being held prisoner against their will.

My husband and I both knit.

This one time, at band camp...

As part of the divorce settlement, my husband got my self esteem.