walking around the airport holding a loose steering wheel

lol in the bathroom hearing insane shitting punctuated by the email-sent whoosh every 10 seconds. my man simply cannot stop cooking

[to the grocery store greeter] y’all fucked up and let a fox in the hen house

im in the back of the waymo practicing my stroke game

i love the burbank airport it’s like if planes took off from a nursing home

sucks that 1-800-GAMBLER is for gambling addiction and not a direct hotline to the baddest playas in the game

i’m on the kiss cam putting a baby in it

got my dog microchipped so if he runs away I can just press a button and he’ll explode

i always walk around with an empty turtle shell just in case I see a naked turtle. then I could wave it around and go “oh bet you’d looooove this huh” and throw it in a fire or something

another day at the peloton factory rubbing my bare ass on all the pelotons

something freeing about the thought of being killed with a laser. ain’t nothin I can do about that

brooklyn is full of guys who are balding in the specific way a wizard does when they’ve been gripped with madness

flying across the country to give my father the heimlich maneuver. hang in there big dog

[over drive thru intercom] pull forward to the window. i fucking dare you to pull up to the window. im with 90 guys andwe’re gonna kill you at the window

[trying to insult a guy I can find no flaws with] haha. bro’s late for the gumdrop smile contest

[talking to Death] mmmmm not a big chess guy. do u got jenga

if i saw a dog alone in a hot car, i’d immediately break the window and put more dogs in there. dog party up in that bitch

we got nominated for an Emmy today. last picture unrelated