Carolyn Portner (@carolynportner) 's Twitter Profile
Carolyn Portner

@carolynportner

Writer/comedian. Scars are from working for the Tiger King

ID: 318785647

calendar_today17-06-2011 01:45:29

1,1K Tweet

346 Followers

382 Following

Carolyn Portner (@carolynportner) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Dating app caption: “freezing eggs is on my radar.” Translation for man brain: “I’m really fun, fertile and do NOT have abandonment issues...you heard I’m REALLY fun, right??”

Carolyn Portner (@carolynportner) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I told a friend if I have kids there’s a 50/50 shot they’ll inherit my bone disorder and she said “science is advanced nowadays, you can do genetic modification” & maybe that was offensive of her but I know she meant well — how else would I know science is advanced nowadays?

Carolyn Portner (@carolynportner) 's Twitter Profile Photo

In LA rain be a season: Me: “my allergies were fucking awful today” Smart friend: “oh it rained it’s probably seasonal allergies”

Carolyn Portner (@carolynportner) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I’m a human Hollywood assistant, on a show that hired a mouse actor and I’m about 100% sure that damn rodent is making more money than me...and that’s show business, baby!