Just to quell the rumors: Yes we are getting next month's edition of Cat Fancy. No we are not removing it from our periodical selection. Yes we are dropping a few titles: *Cat Hater *Dogs Can Go Fuck Themselves *WTF, Fish?

Dear nutsacks who are big angry about black people in the Lord of the Rings television show: None of our pages think you're interesting, stop talking to them. You are unfuckable.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone with S/O's The rest of us will be holding romance novels spine down and letting them open naturally, because they always open to the raunchiest shit.

Hell we've all thought about it, that's not what Cathy's pissed about. But actually putting a squirrel in the outside drop box isn't cool guys. C'mon.

Yes our heating ducts are large enough for children to fit inside. Yes we did hide summer reading prizes inside them that year when our theme was "Books are Hidden Treasures." No, contrary to popular belief the Thompson boy did not die deep inside the guts of this building.

Fact: "Mambo No. 5" was not originally meant to be the theme music to our commercials, but we couldn't afford Theme to Chariots of Fire.

Remember the Capital Area Suburban Library NFT rule: (N)ever pay for (F)ines, (T)rade home made goods instead - we could use some eggs

Cathy rewrote the social media policy because people said mean things about her, but to be honest if I was still on angelfire I'd probably rag on her Precious Moments erotica as well.

Thankfully our patrons aren't a bunch of fascist rednecks so we don't have to deal with book banning, but we do have to catch whoever keeps writing "dump box" on Liam's Kia.

This just in, celebrated cartoonist Jim Davis loves t h i c c asses

Proud to announce that CASL has signed an exclusive deal with Kelsie's Candles (next to the Jo-Ann Fabric) to provide a limited run of book-scented candles. Smells include: *Moby Dick *The Bell Jar *Bonfire of the Vanities *Sophie's Choice

Don't be fooled by imitations like the so-called "Capital Area District Library" - always look for our distinctive CASL smell! Also our library cards are old Family Video renter cards. Also the silverfish.

If you flip off Russia on our globe, we'll let you take home as many of those little golf pencils as you want. Just remember, on our globe Russia is labeled "USSR"

Conservative blowhards: "Liberal woke culture leftist cancelling cucks are destroying free speech!" Also conservative blowhards: "You better not dare say the word 'gay' in a Florida public school, or read books we don't like."

Reminder: The Capital Area Suburban Library is a safe space for everyone. Except Cathy's quilting group, at least until they apologize for telling everyone this was my baby blanket:

Look, we'd love to put a stop to his reign of terror, but that toddler is just fucking flinging those Hungry Caterpillar books like he was in Tron fighting the Master Control Program, so just keep a wide berth of the children's section today, okay?

Attention: Until further notice apparently we have a library possum, so just deal with it.

If you dig that Bill Clinton/James Patterson political thriller, you should check out some of these other President/popular author books: William Howard Taft/F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great, Big, Fat Gatsby's Buffet James Garfield/Jim Davis: Garfield (vol. 1-78)

Netflix is gonna make their math wizards create a spell preventing everyone from sharing accounts, and what's that? We don't care how many times you rip copies of Love, Acutally? Why, the library is sounding like a better deal all the time.

Every time you check out a book by Ayn Rand, the Universal Irony Constant shifts a little and the world becomes a darker place. Also we make fun of you.