This is an adventure book set in the school holidays. It is now the school holidays. Please buy the book. I need 💰💰💰in order to entertain my children for the six week of school holidays.

I decided to go for it and ask my wife the awkward question today: whether she wants children. Thankfully, she feels the same as me - a definite ‘no’. Which is going to make for an awkward conversation with our kids.

Still thinking about this. "Dave Pollard, stop sniffing that bulldog's backside," shouted across Richmond Park.

Yesterday, I thought I’d try to promote my book on TikTok. It got 11 views. ELEVEN!

Update: 14.

Just deleting all my social media because I’ve done the maths and my posts actually put people off buying my books brb

Coming to Twitter to see reactions after big news is like getting shampoo in your eyes and then attempting to make it better by rubbing them with chilli-covered fingers.

Has anyone made a Joe Bye-den gag yet? Can I be the one who does the Joe Bye-den gag?

Saturday’s Wordle. I swear I’m never playing it again. America is broken.

Pitch: a children's book in which one of the protagonist's parents isn't dead.

overheard a mum calling her young daughter 'calamity'. not as a nickname. AS HER ACTUAL NAME. calamity. imagine the life that girl's going to have. the conversations.

it's because they're chicken

A short exchange that took place yesterday between my son and me in a supermarket. "Dad, that man has the same trainers as you ... and shorts ... and t-shirt ... and ..." "It's a mirror."

That’s it. I’ve found the least appealing item ever listed on a menu.

Scenes from Parenthood Tuesday morning 07:05 Son: Want to know a secret, Daddy? Me: Yes. *Son punches me in the face*

Very much enjoyed this - Sleepless by Marie Darrieussecq (tr. Penny Hueston). The author explores her own insomnia through reference to the fellow sleepless in literature and wider culture. Fitzcarraldo Editions

If they’d made a sequel to Airforce One, they’d have had a decision to make as to whether to call it Airforce Two or Airforce One Two. Makes you think.

X is awful, isn't it? Yet here we all are, like dogs returning to our own vomit.