There's something wrong with my bananas

Covid is a terrible disease. Day three and I'm not horny any more. First time in 30 years!!

Watching Godzilla. 11yo Daughter: now's not the time to say this, but... Me: ... 11yo: I wonder how big Godzilla's testicles are? Me: ...

Kid: Dad, what does it mean when...[it's private] Me: welcome to puberty. Population, youberty. Can't stop chuckling at my wit

When you don't notice your kebab is leaking.

Hard time getting the kids to bukraine their teeth this morning. I told them we were in a ukra, but they wouldn't be ukraed.

"I love the dentist. I love ... Having my mouth dug around in!" "Me too! I think everyone does." - weird shit my kids say, 2022

How do single people stop all the food magically being out of date before you get around to eating it. Asking for a friend

The hardest part about my annual leave is going into the office every day to take a dump

Organic Theremin

Happy mother's Day to all the mums, and especially @MomBellicose

Hey Netflix I'm sad to say that I'll cancel my sub if I see ads on my screen.

Little bit sick of the FUCKING tax on tall people.

Today is RUOK day. So remember to broadcast for reps, spam for heals, and in general look after yourself... And if you have any spare capacity, ask someone RUOK!!!

Goodbye twitter. I loved you