Yes officer, that was me blasting #WAP in the Chick-fil-A drive thru at highnoon.

I thought I liked rollercoasters but this emotional rollercoaster is killing me.

I spent the entire day bartending in a mesh jersey that clearly showed my nipples. I told nearly everyone I served to take a gander.

Lady at the sushi bar said I drink too early. Bitch it's past noon!

Does anyone have a ouija board I can borrow for my birthday? If not Im making one with my blood.

I become the super moon in about 24 hours.

Sending Miranda low quality snaps of the super moon. Aka my ass.

When you know your birthday is going to be lit.

Jokes on Pence I've been electrocuting myself for years.

Google search: what the fuck was Goldilocks doing?

it's the birthday Patrick

I think I have insurance again?

@bridgetbaldau why would I forget to wish a Happy birthday to the man that pays my phone bill?

Bridget wisdom: it's easier to get over boys than a DUI.

Bridget wisdom: takes a GB, calls grandma.

Bridget wisdom: take a GB at 7am after waking up late for work.

@bridgetbaldau "Must have used premium." -Dad

I blacked out at my grandma's 95th birthday party and I think I made an ass out of myself.

Watching The Help tonight because God knows we need it.

@bald_hoe aka happy birthday @Ladyranda