my birthday's in 3 days

happy birthday to me

it's my birthday and i hate everything should i try to relapse tonight if i can get it done fast enough with one of my backup blades my dad didn't find

i had an okay birthday i was kind of hoping my mom didn't reach out and she didn't and i'm kind of upset about that and i dunno why but other than that we got food from my favorite restaurant for dinner and my gf got me the jeans i really wanted

shittily cut myself with a piece of broken glass i found on the street by my house n my dad found out and got pissed, did the whole "i don't know how else to help you" and "it hurts me when you hurt yourself" thing and threatened to send me back to the hospital

i wouldn't wish suicide watch on my worst enemy

i love my gf so much shes the only one who's actually stuck with me through this whole thing and actually cares about how i feel about all of this and shes patient and understanding with me and shes never gotten annoyed or bored shes actually an angel i think

i cant live like this anymore my scars are so ugly and im ruining almost every relationship i had and im so behind in school i might as well drop out

told my dad that being watched constantly makes me want to kms more than before and he told me that it's my own fault okay fuck you

been lying to my dad saying i'm taking my antidepressants for a while now because i'd rather be sad all the time than be nothing but he found out and now makes me take them in front of him and i literally hate being medicated at least unmedicated i felt like a real person

im such a fat fucking chud

i think im getting better