Verizon employee: “I will call you in 48 hours to make sure you are satisfied with your phone” *me 3 days later without receiving a phone call*: “She doesn’t even care 😔”

We can send a man to the moon and all that cool stuff but we can’t find way to go out drinking all night and not be hungover the next morning.

Why is no one talking about the chemical spills?

I don’t need your excuse to ease my pain

Going sober for the rest of 2023

Twas the night before February 28th, and all through the house…

The game was rigged from the start

The south side of ness blows

Sauce banana

12 years of sadness #MyTwitterAnniversary

I’m so old I pop ibuprofen before sexy time

I’m starting a petition to ban hangovers in 2024

We are gorillas on a rock flying through the universe. Eat that fast food, drink those energy drinks, buy those shoes. We all return to dust

Feed me medicine so I can’t feel my sins

With all disrespect, we really don’t want to see your 60 minute Snapchats of fire works going off this year. I can insure you that we all see the same shit happening around us.