Annoucing my 2021 permanent weight loss achievement: RIP finger tip

5am: the golden hour to wake up to a kitchen ransacked and dirtied by wayward preteens after spending all evening cleaning it. “Having kids will be great” they said...

“Mom is it normal to be annoyed by your own voice?” No comment son.

So fake poinsettias for my April wedding decorations or no? Because somehow my backseat is full of them and I’m $40 poorer.

Will a year of face masks cure non medical halitosis?

My 12yr old has never heard the word “ditto” before and I’m still not over it

If you get bit by a snake shove your fist down it’s throat and hold your breath

A blonde insta girl told the Mexican grocery clerk she invented her own way to make arepas which, surprise, is exactly how millions of people make them everyday

The time has come for my kids to ask me to explain pre-mortal sex.

My kid told me the dying movie character saying “Though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death” was actually quoting Coolio lyrics

Dr. Ruth is still alive and having better sex than most of us

Why did we spend so much of the 80s trying to do the splits in front of each other for street cred?

Apparently there’s a nose breathing technique for optimum wing consumption so you don’t drown in Buffalo sauce.

Apparently nobody else thought it significant that the salmon in the grocery advert looked EXACTLY like a vagina

Excited for this thunderstorm to wash away my sins of dog poop ungathered

Any other chefs out there struggling to remember which hand is the raw chicken hand and which is the cookie hand ?

I am so badass that I say please and thank you to Siri

My kitchen is so clean my kindergartner is playing wildlife safari with all the ants from behind the fridge.

I’m already drinking the cheese sauce directly from the sauce pan and its only January

Wow I wasn’t expecting 2023 to be the year I had to use a can of soup as pasta sauce