Paleocons whine about borders while I’m over here winning—my daughter’s wife's NGO just got a UN grant.

Those nativist nuts hate my gated community. Sorry I didn’t conserve your rustbelt ghost town, losers.

The New Christian Right calls me a sellout. Funny, I don't see their names on the donor plaque at First Baptist.

Told the grandkids to stop quoting Sam Francis. You want a future? Learn to code, not farm.

God gave me a corner office because I backed McCain, not because I groveled to the new right’s tantrums. Grow up.

Christian Nationalists crying about ‘heritage’—my heritage is a paid-off mortgage and a flagpole. Beat that, hippies.

Public schools built my kids’ character, not your homeschool cults. Dissident right’s just mad VeggieTales was peak theology.

Iraq was a win, and so’s my hot tub. You dissident right clowns can’t handle real conservative victories.

Like a 401k!

I didn't want to boast buuuuuuuuuut... I was invited to VP Pence's residence to pray over his next National Review shine up.

Trump’s great, but he’s no W. I’ll take a compassionate conservative with a ranch over your populist noise any day.

The dissident right’s crying about ‘globalism’—I globalized my portfolio and bought a vacation home. You kids wouldn’t understand real success.

Millennials whining about rent—store up treasures in heaven, not Starbucks! My McMansion’s just a tent for the Rapture, PTL!

Christian Nationalists griping about poverty—Matthew 6:20, people! My Lexus is temporary; the New Jerusalem’s where I’m invested.

Dissident right crying broke—I’m retired, debt-free, and reading dispensational prophecy. Store up in heaven, not your basement, Zoomers!

I am thankful for the godly leadership evangelicals have in conservative men like Dr. Muscle Roar.

Well I hope everyone is happy. I just had to put my fourth vacation home up for sale and my third wife is threatening to leave me. By voting for Trump, you have all failed to love your neighbor. Me.

My wife asked me what we wanted to watch for movie night tomorrow and I told her Fox News, the bombing of Iran, special coverage.

Every even-numbered month, I write "for Israel" on my tithe check.

Ted Cruz was always my best student in Sunday School.