Why do people in non-urgent office jobs think it’s ok to email requests over the weekend? You can wait until Monday, Sebastian. Calm down.

For someone reason I always assume I can’t have my cell phone when I go to vote- like it’s a test I have to pass without cheating.

Thanks for not telling me the zip code when I asked for your address. I have all zip codes memorized.

It’s almost Krampus season, the most wonderful time of the year.

Me: I don’t believe fake news Also Me: It’s got “famous” in the name so the chicken MUST be good

I don’t trust people with nothing on their refrigerators. Your kitchen is not too good for a wedding invitation from 2009 that you didn’t go to.

Imagine living in a small town where you drive somewhere you need to go and park right outside. I tried to get to a Panera yesterday via the el train then Uber & turns out the Panera was on the 2nd floor of a hospital and 3 of the 4 entrances were blocked due to “construction”

No one has ever improved on the Wendy’s Frosty.

We should celebrate milestones as adults the way we celebrate them with babies. I’m going to be 1,877 weeks old on Monday and that’s awesome.

Having two showers is great except now I have to check behind TWO curtains for serial killers before bed each night.

Post the weirdest selfie you can take without using any filter

Ariana left her husband for Sponge Boq

If I hear one more BetterHelp ad during this podcast I’m gonna need therapy

It’s crazy teaching a baby to eat solids like, ok here eat some pure avocado and sweet potato while mommy eats Wheat Thins and Nerds Rope for dinner.

Bob Barker died at 99 so that he wouldn’t go over

Laundry sucks but lord do I wish I could throw the floors, bathrooms and toys into a giant cleaning machine once a week

if literally anything says “Rare” in the title I’m like “oh yeah this is rare”