So Geico ads can just be anything huh?

BUT I DON'T WANNA POOP!!!

2016: You watchin The Night Manager on AMC? ME: No but I'm totally aware that's a show & a channel 2017: You watchin Future Man on Hulu? ME: No but I'm vaguely aware that's a show & a streaming service 2018: You watchin Taint Hag on Gleep-Glorp? ME: What the fuck is happening?

I'll tell you who's NOT a rookie, whoever's in charge of making sure I know about "The Rookie."

Walking into a bathroom and the motion sensor light not going on no matter how much you wave your arms is probably how you find out you're a ghost

Every airport should be Burbank airport.

I like a crane that lets me know what it's up to:

Really admire lion tamers for still sticking with the chair after all these years

Me to Google maps when I'm lost: "Thank you I need you so much please never leave me I love you..." Me to Google maps the moment I reach my neighborhood: "I KNOW HOW TO GET TO MY OWN HOUSE YOU FUCKING DUM DUM!"

If I were a witch doctor, my go-to whimsical curse would be "May your toenails all grow at 10 vastly different speeds"

If you're at a bar you only went to because someone made you go and you get stuck standing by the door and you find yourself saying "Five dollar cover tonight" to whoever walks in and you end up making hundreds of dollars off idiot-assholes there's no blood on your hands, right?

Just when you think there's no scooter placement that can still make you feel something...

If you have a shower where you can sit down to soap your feet, the next time you're in a shower where you can't do that, you're going to almost die a whole bunch of times.

Now that we've had some time to reflect, are we sure Limp Bizkit did it ALL for the nookie?

I demand a bottled water that makes me immune to AIDS, but I also demand it considers that to be the fourth most important thing it does...

Just finished a podcast that began w/ host swearing to solve a decades old murder where police had been unable to decide between 4 suspects. Ten hours later, podcast ends with host having narrowed it down to 3 suspects. Kind of. In no other medium would this be acceptable.

I want to meet the ad exec who walked into a meeting of Charmin shareholders and said "You know what's gonna move a lotta units? A family of cartoon bears that's obsessed with shitting!"

In a rapidly changing world where nothing makes sense, it's comforting to remember that the best two words to get out of anything are still: "Can't. Diarrhea."

There are too many ways a Corona can get its lime now.

Dear boredom, I will never take you for granted again.