"Things I should have been smart enough not to buy from wish.com" A list: 1. Period underwear

I really thought that at this point in life I would be getting more free things by flashing my garters. BBC 's "'Allo 'Allo!" really set me up for a disappointing adulthood.

I had to swipe left on a guy because he had the same name as one of my rats. I think I would have too many conflicting feelings if I called his name out in bed

I don't know what upside down timeline I've fallen into but deels like we're a few weeks away from using toenail clippings as currency cnn.com/2023/07/07/afr…

I tried to kiss a frog on Sunday. My friends wouldn't let me because of "potential salmonella" oooooooo! I'm still low key kind of upset

I'm cooking with earbuds in, listening to YouTube playing on my computer out of sight. The Natasha Lyonne Old Navy commercial comes on and I actually thought I was having a psychotic break natasha lyonne Old Navy

I get into an Uber ride share. The woman already in the car takes one look at me and said "what is this!?" Lady I didn't think I looked THAT weird

My dinner tonight consisted of stale corn chips and microwaved dollarstore queso, and I am violently incensed at how satisfying it was.

I just wrote a heartfelt message to losersnoozer on Instagram so to bring balance to the universe I am going to say something mildly creepy on Twitter: "Stanzi looks not only like their whole body would be very soft and well moisturized but also like they smell delicious"

Anyone know how a toilet work? Unrelated, the city was changing pipes and now dirt is stopping our cistern from filling #MTL #hydroquebec

Eat the Rich spotted in Krakow, Poland

9:00AM An ambulance careens past flasher ablaze and sirens a howling. "Good for them, only dying on company time "

I fell asleep listening to a Charlie tier list and dreamt the most magical fairy tale romance with Charlie. He was wearing a lavender suit!!!

Has #Montreal turned into Rollercoaster Tycoon!? There are so many little puddles of vomit in the streets.

OMG who was going to tell me its not "one fowl swoop"...like a bird diving, it's a FELL SWOOP!!! The OED !? Britannica, Inc. !? I've given both y'all's money I thought surely you would have told me by now

Who was going to tell me that his name was "Pliny the Elder" and not "Plenty the Elder"? You guys have just been letting me throw a GD extra T in there!?!

Next time someone asks how I'm doing I'm going to reply "still fresco"

Why is it always the trashy mentally unstable bitches that have like a million pets? Asking for a friend