Paranoia level: Worrying if the people you just got high with know you’re high

My dad: you know wrestling’s fake right? Me: dad, undertaker didnt literally rise from the grave and spend his career fighting his long thought dead brother who controls fire to become the american badass for you to say these disrepectful things

White people extreme sport: skipping steps when running up and down the stairs

When my gf looks at flowers at the park she turns into the creepy guy hitting on girls at the bar: “Whats your story little lady?” “You smell incredible”

Tip of the day: if you ever feel uncomfortable at a party for not bringing a gift just shout out “thats from both of us” while the guest of honor is opening their presents

Me: *to my girlfriend* “Are you ready to leave?” Girlfriend: “Oh yeah, I was born ready to leave.”

Old guys @ 3 in the morning: “Welp, time to put on my suit.”

*Me listening to science podcasts* Acclaimed scientist who’s been working in their field for 30 years: its a solid theory but it just doesnt account for these other problems Me, who went to community college for 8 years and eats spaghetti with his hands: let me take a crack at it

Songs about things on the run from the 70s 🤘🏾

Queef latinah

The award for most fucked up item in the grocery store goes to gallon of tea for its constant battered appearance and excessive stickiness

I’m very excited for the generation of grandmas that are both sweet and don't catch you off guard with casual racism

“Blow you bitch!”-me screaming at a geyser

Live each day like one day a prominent, well-regarded news publication will put your shit on blast

Being laid back makes me too anxious-my girlfriend

Weird things my girlfriend says: *looking at a sewer grate* “I've never seen a steaming man hole before.”

“So we ride whales and drag race time and knock the fires from the traces of trilobite hives. You sleep like God inside her womb.”-The greatest lyrics ever conceived. Thank you HUM

Jet fuel cant melt grilled cheese

From now on, I will depend on you, my dear fans, to protect and defend me. I love you guys and am so happy I have control of my twitter account back. You guys are my true superheros. Excelsior! Stan

Why are we paying more money for peanut butter with peanuts in it? Its just unfinished peanut butter