me: (whispering) pass the bedtime rock my buddy: (rolling the bball towards me w his feet under the covers)

to all current and future assailants: you are going to either have to kill me or leave me alone

YOU 🫵 are expected to file a TAX RETURN 💻🔜

lot of people out there are actually simulacrums - beings resembling humans but made out of corn byproduct and pig meat. they’re your frustrated bosses, they’re tailgating you in ram 1500s, they’re in charge of policy, they’re buying check marks. and my job is to heal them all.

I will never harm my neighbor #IWillNeverHarmMyNeighbor

getting a bit jealous none of the myriad malicious foreign guys unconvincingly pretending to be hard working, racist american guys on here will pay attention to me or do palantir tattling on me 🤧

backspacing “charlie jerk” to put “charlie fuck” and then backspacing again to put “charlie fuck” and then getting insecure cause the guy behind me is honking

my neighbors one of those bug men but he’s cool he made us this really nice blanket

got a “bye bye honey” from the lady on the phone at the drs office 😳

texting gang I went apes out on a 8 pack of frosted goodnesses then putting my shit on airplane mode

fire alarm went off and when i went outside chloe finemans publicist was snapping her fingers at me trying to get me to pay attention to chloe fineman

(kermit the frog voice) my huevos

damn I my life

shouting ouch and fuck cause i cut the roof of my mouth on a sharp oat

Chinese AI Rodney Dangerfield: watch closely. this man went to the mental health doctor to treat his ailment. The doctor said he was crazy but the man said he wanted a second opinion. The doctor replied in a shocking manner: the doctor told the man he was ugly too

new CCJI just dropped ⬇️

yea im one of the adult residents of sesame street and i think its totally fine to invite fucking cookie monster to help me with a segment im doing on baked goods

found out about anti sentimism from youtube ad where a kid was getting bullied at school for his characteristics. wtf not cool right now,this is the problem right now (mmx2 speedrun comes on autoplay) youre supposed to do wheel gator first you dumb dickhole

my job is to drive a car into the mall for a contest to win the car

from across the house i can tell when bae is watching asmr soup slurper whispers into your hair asmr soup slurper tapping candies together, i can hear the sibilants from upstairs