When your manager asks you why you’re 30 minutes late for your dinner shift again...

Someone found zip tie guy. He's a bartender in Nashville.

People who body shame pregnant women have clearly never been pregnant

The greatest porn library our nation has ever seen

As much as the pandemic sucks, hearing my mom say “Cooovid” in her THICK Minnesotan accent makes me laugh every time.

Turns out it’s “Tenet”. I thought it was “Tennant”. A movie about someone who goes back in time to pay their rent during the pandemic. #TenetMovie

And here I’ve been using my hands like an idiot! #nike #cnn #shoes

Looks like life has boiled down to one decision... Stay at home and lose your mind OR Go outside and get shot

Can we let the south secede already?

I bought a large bag of chips labeled “Party Size!” So, is anything smaller a “Lonely Size!’”?

My husband just informed me his love language is blow jobs.

If you hung out all day with someone who barely speaks the same language as you, is bipolar, and you also had to wipe their ass— you’d be tired, too. *** *** Life with toddlers

Whiskey is for celebrating. Gin is for getting through the day.

“You’re just paying your dues.” The thing you say if you want someone to hate you.

I don’t work in an office. I work from home. Which means I don’t have a work phone. Because of this, any weekday phone call with my mother begins with her asking, “Are you working today?”

There is absolutely no reason for any civilian in America to own an AR-15 rifle. Period.

I’m calling in now… In 20 years, political debates will literally be mud wrestling competitions.

How many endorsement deals does Snoop Dogg have? The only thing he loves more than weed is selling out.

My husband and I just had a very heated debate on who the father of Bluey’s child is: McKenzie or Jean Luc.

Stony thought… Peanut butter kills way more people than marijuana does. So why is peanut butter still legal? … maybe Big Peanut Butter has been controlling us all along.