If #Russia invade #Turkey up the rear... Would #Greece help?

The #Villa job was too much for #Gerrard to step into straight after #Rangers, he should have cut his teeth first on a smaller club like #Spurs, #Chelsea or #Arsenal

This is Motown weather Three degrees…. Four, tops !

I went for a bite to eat at an upmarket burger van last night... It had 4 Michelin tyres.

I’m a half glass full type of guy ... Fucking Parkinson’s!

I met a #transvestite from the Greater #Manchester area in the pub last night. He had a Wigan address.

My wife accused me of achieving nothing in life so I told her, ‘Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.’ ‘What's that?’, she said. ‘It's a big building with kids in it, but that’s not important right now’

This morning I was watching a young lady having a hard time reversing her car, so I offered to help. "Piss off you sexist prick!" she yelled. "I can do it myself." "Please, I insist," I said, "After all, this IS my kitchen."

Hi all, I know everyone is struggling at the moment and I also there are accounts that say ‘NO DMs’ 🚫 for very good reasons, but if anyone needs a chat or just someone to shout at, my DMs are open for all. ❤️

I can’t understand how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals and are blaming it on cost of living!

To the person who stole my glasses last night... I will find you, I have contacts you know !

Wife: “I want another baby.” Me: “I know what you mean, I didn't like this one either. “

The Who?

If you want to know how many bees Noah had... Check the ark hives.

Some friends of mine are organising a joint Chinese New Year celebration and Burn’s Night supper - they’re calling it Chinese Burns Night. I don’t want to go but they’re twisting my arm !!

He was probably fed up of having to anti-bac the worktop every time he made a fucking sandwich!

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey. Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed.

Phoned up the RSPCA the other day and said I was just walking through the woods and found 3 kittens in a suitcase, she said oh that’s terrible, are they moving? I said I don’t know but I guess that would explain the suitcase!!

I’ve started on that Tik Tok bollocks. DM me for username and I will follow all back. 👍🏻

Anne Frank