a little rat poison to take my mind off things

That’s so funny bro I think we’re gonna have to ship your torso to china

I would have pissed myself laughing if my pelvic floor wasn’t so taut

Open mouth coughing should be an arrestable offense

Keep my bitch wife’s name out your mouth

running downstairs late for school and i snatch the toast as it pops out of the toaster but then a home intruder slashes my throat

Life really hasn’t been the same since my Russian rent a wife killed my cousin

They made a mistake integrating me into society

I just have to get past the awkward phase of everyone trying to diminish the light from my eyes

Call me erectile the way I’m at dis function

Two of my favorite pictures I took last year. Figured I’d share them here

Kirk my life into pieces

When you’re getting jumped and you hear someone yell “factory reset his ass”

It probably feels good as fuck to be reset to factory settings

Your honesty and sense of humor gave me today’s biggest laugh

Never question my snack choices

It’s a good thing I’m not a brain surgeon cause I don’t have any clue how to do surgery on someone’s brain

They’re turning my bitchass into some deli meat

You can typically find buried treasure 1 year into being unemployed

Saying “Every breath you take is a breath I allowed you to have” to the subway sandwich artist making my food