You work really hard to be that unproductive

Yes, you have data but I have years of experience and those are the numbers that count.

The reason we put you on this committee is we knew you’d be ineffective, don’t screw it up by trying to do something worthwhile

Oops! I forgot to tell you, you are on speaker! And the dean is here!

Just checking in to see if the report that is due next week is done yet. We need it today.

I was hoping we could meet tomorrow at 4:30 so we can get this done before the long weekend! Does that work for you?

Yes, we have closed the campus next Thursday because there is an evening game here. But we still need you to make up the contact hours.

Yes, we know you paid for a parking space on campus, but that space isn’t yours on football Saturday!

Does the philosophy department exists if our football team loses this Saturday?

We value industry partners so much that we treat them like our own. Effective immediately, volunteer speakers must pay for their campus parking. Note: this should be independent from their donation to the college excellence fund.

We didn’t get less diverse based on the court’s ruling, we just changed how we defined diversity.

Syllabus audit for classes starts on Oct. 1. So finish up those new preps now, and fully lay out all those assignments in our easy to engage 22-page template.

As you travel, always wear college swag and aggressively engage any teenager you see. We are all in recruiting and admissions now!

My tiny empire grows! I’ve got the big golf cart now!

Friday games historically happen every four years. It’s Leap Year four times this Fall! Please move to alternative instruction as in-person classes are cancelled.

Don’t worry, the proposed policy changes won’t affect you…. Until it’s too late.

Just because a rule is archaic and outdated doesn’t mean we shouldn’t- or won’t - enforce it.

The rules are complex enough that no one can ever be fully in compliance. That’s our secret power. When your time comes, we know you are out of compliance.

Time for some faculty governance! Who can I delegate my responsibilities to today?

If you are unhappy here, you can always get a position somewhere else. Oh that’s right, you’ve been trying to leave for years and yet here you remain.