Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page. Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.

My perception of the #PresidentialDebate: Mr. Trump, what you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought...

This is a quote from the ding dong himself, JD Vance. Unacceptable. Praying on the ignorant to win an election should be illegal.

Welp I'm insane. I checked out an online dating app again. What perplexes me is how men do not realize we can see how you've aged when you have old pics mixed with current pics. #onlinedating is an oxymoron.

It's refreshing to know I can still pull #blonde moment stunts. Cleaning my chimney resulted in a deeply complex project, "Project Soot Removal" due to my brainiac ways with a shop vac. #damnit.

Can't stop laughing at this truth!

Agree.

My thoughts on the American people this morning:

actually i have seasonal ineffective disorder (less productive around the holidays)

me: dating is hard me on a date: a woodpecker’s tongue is bigger than its entire head. it keeps it wrapped up around its brain to protect it from the impact of pecking

MARILYN MONROE: Diamonds are a girl's best friend ME: *highly active in at least six friendzones* We'll see about that

Her: Do you think my grape nuts are stale? Me: How would you know?

Can't stop listening to Chappell Roan. That voice. Those youthful lyrics. Ah, is nostalgia why I like her so much??! And Shaboozey jams you can't help but dance.

"I'm not sure what to tell you. You're the type of man who has someone else take multiple pictures of you at the SLC airport. I'm the type of woman who doesn't respect such behavior. "

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

*takes off gay apparel

stop booing yourself off stage before anyone had the chance to see you perform.

Looking eggsactly like the Mattel underlings in Barbie...coincidence? I think not.

Not to mention they're shaped like boobies.

Wow, after all these years I've finally fit into a size small. Sure it's my compression diaper from double hip replacement surgery, but still a size small!