Every House Hunters I ever seen: Her - I'm a stay at home mom. Him - I'm a part time dog walker. Our budget is $650,000.

Someone in 1983: they’ll cure cancer in my lifetime 2024: the best I can give you is oreo cookies inside of coca cola

It's taken a few decades but you've filled out those parachute pants nicely.

one time my dad converted the engine in his vw van so that it could run on stetson cologne

Was asked to leave Willy Wonka’s tour for bringing my own tupperware of apple slices.

I act pretty tough for someone who lives in constant fear of ceiling fan blade flying off

We raise a glass to celebrate the birthday of the great Mr. Robert Benchley. He would, too, but he's 135.

The miracle of DoorDash is that I just pick up my phone, punch a few things into it, and within half an hour I have, at my door, a $52 salad.

one time my uncle plaxico showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun & they both had blood all over their shirts

There was a time you could escape the news by turning on AM radio and parking under a bridge

Looking for something in a light delirium.

Omg, it's Maude Lebowski.

one time when i was a kid we stayed at a best western on ventura boulevard & we couldn’t sleep all night because the people in the next room over were making all kinds of noise so my dad complained to the manager who told him that don henley was in there writing hotel california

Can you imagine if Godzilla came to Montreal. theyd be like “non!!!! mon dieu!”

one time i saw a ups driver singing the imagine song to a box that had been crushed in transit

If you think life is fair I invite you to eat any form of cold leftover potatoes

These post-its are keeping me alive.

I'm no slouch at the times table, but my 7s still aren't as crisp as I'd like.

Don’t be a wimp, get the full life crisis

*takes a knee in front of kindergarteners* when i was a kid tires were called radials. they were steel belted & filled with guacamole. they were so smooth. also, it was always dark because the sun was blocked out from all the led zepplin songs in the air.